coming soon...

'Target located,' Agent Sofia whispered into the special watch around her wrist (which may or may not have been a toy intended for eight-year-olds). 'I am now approaching the target with utmost professional caution. Target has not yet noticed me, for I am stealthy yet quick, and melt into the shadows like dark butter.'

* * *

The pie exploded in the microwave. Master Beef carefully took out the sticky mess (or at least what remained on the dish) using a pair of theatrical oven gloves. He enjoyed his mess and then commenced in removing the rest of it, which plastered the inside walls of the microwave, with a chisel. Once happy that he'd achieved something, to reward himself he went to the refrigerator to get another pie.

* * *

The helicopter propellors came to a stop. Two appropriately crisp and austere-looking bodyguards carrying big guns climbed out, and Mayor Mawgly and a woman in a plum-purple suit followed them.

* * *

The red motor scooter sailed along the side of the road with a gentle growl, practically unheard in the dominating noise of the traffic. Holly allowed the cool morning breeze to splash across her face and wake her up.

* * *

'I am Amelia Muse, special detective, solver of those more bizarre mysteries for a competitively low price!' she announced. 'The tramp guy hired me. Do you have any cereal?'

'Only cornflakes, I'm afraid,' said Winnie. 'Will they do?'

'Sure.'

* * *

The bodyguards separated like sliding doors to flank the women. They marched importantly towards a door that protruded from the rooftop, the woman in purple reading the day's busy schedule off a clipboard in her arms. Still reading, a bunch of keys appeared by some professionally efficient sleight of hand, the correct key already poised for the lock. The door was opened and a grille was pulled back to reveal an elevator, which the four of them stepped into, the women first, followed by the guards.

Mawgly yawned.

* * *

'Follow me.'

They continued under the flooring, in the dark, for what felt like miles. Gen's ankle alternated between a chill numbness and a hot, throbbing ache.

'Where am I going?'

* * *

Holly stumbled on benumbed legs, half led, half dragged along by men she could not see. Every time she fell, she was lifted back up by unsympathetic hands, not able to get up herself because her hands were tied.

All she could hear was her own deep breathing, more distinct than usual inside the dark world of the sack, and the muffled sounds of the city outside. Her captors did not say a word.

She blundered on, made to feel like she was climbing a mountain as her legs persisted in failing on her.

They did not let her stop.

* * *

'Behold,' mumbled Phil, vaguely.

'Aren't shadows fun?' said Beef, conversationally, as some more gum hitchhiked his fur. 'I can do the rabbit thing. You know, with the ears...' He made a strange gesture with his hands to clarify his point, and promptly collapsed face-down onto the ground once more.

'Behold,' insisted Phil.

* * *

An Agent had dropped her stack of paperwork and was running towards her, yelling into her special Agent watch for help. The doors leading to the stairs were roughly halfway between the two of them. Snails decided she could make it and bolted towards them, lurching forwards and very nearly falling over again. She crashed through the doors with the Agent not far behind her. She propelled herself down the stairs, hurtling around corners with panicky skids, her legs working with insane rapidity. She wondered how much longer she could go on like this.

* * *

The tramp got unsteadily to his feet and aimed an unsuccessful punch at Beef’s visor. The fragile surface underfoot slipped away beneath him, and he fell, dragging Beef and the porcelain woman down with him. The porcelain woman fell from Beef’s grasp and slid down the roof, grating nastily against the tiles. The two men rolled down after her, struggling madly to get a hold of something. They left the roof...

* * *

Beans gasped. 'Somebody's trying to corrupt the Internet!'

'What?'

'Joking, joking...'

* * *

'Emby, these men are ruining my house,' said Winnie, as Beef re-entered the room. 'I'd like you to do something about it.'

Beef rushed over to the original intruder and began to poke his flab with a fork. After the third or fourth stab, it stayed there, moving around a little before being dragged inwards and disappearing altogether.

'That didn't work,' said Beef. 'We may have to try something else.'

* * *

She turned to the window. Out in the darkness, something gleamed. At first she could only just make it out, but it began to take shape as it got closer.

'Is that Hepthazard? ' she asked.

'Indeed it is,' said the doctor.

* * *

There were about eight of them now, and they tumbled and swept through the street like a tweed tidal wave. Lampposts snapped under their weight. One of them planted a foot directly on top of a car. The metal body strained under the pressure, and the entire vehicle bent in two, folding up like a deck chair.

* * *

Stat entered the cockpit. 'This is mad,' she told them, having figured out what they were going to do.

''Course it is,' said the Captain. 'You're all mad. Mad, crazy and insane also.'

* * *

'Oh my f--'

FAT MAN IN TWEED. COMING VERY, VERY SOON.

Launchdates:

Monday 20th February

Wednesday 22nd February

Friday 24th February