the aberration extras

master beef vs. master chief 2007

Master Beef closed the door behind him and stepped out onto the street. He span lazily on his heel and headed in the direction of the bus stop, where he stopped and stood with complete passiveness. Halo 3 was postered in the bus stop's ad-space - the Master Chief in another dramatic variation of the triumphant pose.

The bus arrived. Master Chief was on the side of it. Master Beef got on the bus, clambered to a seat near the back and sat down. A kid in front of him flipped through a magazine with Halo 3 screenshots. Another bus passed by adorned with the same.

As the windows slid by outside, they were all covered with Master Chief. Master Beef stuck the buds of his earphones in his long ears and listened to some music, while behind him two old ladies discussed in their dithery musical voices the relative merits of the first two games. The bus driver slurped some hot drink out of a foam Halo beaker.

Beef rose to his feet as the bus ground to a halt. A Master Chief got on as he got off. Dozens of Master Chiefs roamed the street, some selling Halo 3 merchandise and leaflets. Some preached.

In the shop windows, a virtual Master Chief flickered across a series of television screens in rapid motion. Master Beef entered one of these shops and headed to the section with video games and DVDs. Beneath his feet, the shop floor was covered with further colourful adhesive adverts boasting Halo 3's release and forming arrows that pointed in the direction that Master Beef was headed. Halo music played in the background.

Beef searched for the DVD case with the most interesting cover. He continued to browse, unsatisfied, and made his way down the aisle towards the end of the shop looking out onto the street, stepping past a Master Chief cardboard cut-out displaying Halo 3 copies.

He stopped. He took a step back. 'Ah, Master Clown,' he said. 'We meet again.'

Then somebody leaped from a previously concealed place within the DVD collection, causing cases to tumble to the ground. 'Do not diss the MC, shit--oh. It's you.'

Beef looked the boy up and down. 'You haven't aged,' he observed.

The boy made a defiant face. He was slightly crouched, his legs bent at the knees and his back arched. Beef realised that he was ready to enter attacking mode should one word against the Master Chief be uttered. He therefore selected his words carefully, pausing a moment to consider, and began:

'Yo' Master Chief so fat...'

The kid launched himself at Beef. He was deflected and hit the glass of the window. The transparent surface was unyielding and knocked him onto his backside.

'To reiterate,' said Beef, 'there is nothing the Master Chief can do that I can't.'

The kid groaned and rubbed his head.

'And stop portraying Halo fans as loudmouthed twelve-year-olds,' Beef added. 'It's a gross misrepresentation.'

'Haaaaalo 3!' cried an old man, shuttling into the display and burying himself in cardboard and plastic cases.